Author: shanelindsay

  • “X-Men: First Class” Outclasses “X-Men: Grad School”

    Sometimes comic book movies don’t take the hint.  Superman should have stopped after two.  The original Batman movies should have stopped after one.  The Fantastic Four should have stopped the minute Jessica Alba was cast.  But leave it to X-Men to finally get it right after 5 tries.

    Not that the first four movies were bad.  X-Men 1 and 2 are actually decent.  Wolverine is campy, but still fun.  X-Men 3 barely survives Kelsey Grammer in a fuzzy blue monkey suit.  But X-Men: First Class is in a, uh, category of its own.

     

    X-Men: First Class
    "I'll always remember the good times we had in French Class. X Forever! Class of '11"

    There are a few reasons why it works so well.  Good action, fun characters, a couple awesome cameos.  But I think the biggest reason is that it’s set in the 60s.  No Austin Powers here, though January Jones as Emma Frost does a pretty great impression of a Fem-bot.  This is Cold War all the way.  This can lead to some anachronistic moments.  After leaving their cutting edge genetics lab on a futuristic hover jet, the X-Men are forced to watch JFK on a grainy black-and-white TV.

    Still, it’s awesome to have a real president overseeing these things for once.  Using the Cuban Missile Crisis as a backdrop, the filmmakers recast a chess match between superpowers as a chess match between super powers.  The U.S.A. and the U.S.S.R. may have their differences, but pretty much everyone agrees that Kevin Bacon is pure evil.

    Bacon plays the mutant villain Sebastian Shaw, whose main super power is that he can link himself to any actor in six movies or less.  He can also absorb energy.  This makes him pretty much unstoppable, except for one weak point, which has nothing to do with his bushy sideburns (Kevin Bacon can rock smarmy facial hair like nobody’s business).  It’s up to Magneto and Professor X to find his Achilles Heel and exploit it.

    Yes, Magneto and Professor X are a team in this movie, and while it doesn’t exactly culminate with a lightsaber battle on Mustafar, you know it can’t end well.  This is a far more violent movie then we’re used to from X-Men.  Comic book movies tend to involve lots of action, but rarely do you grasp the human damage.  X-Men: First Class isn’t gory, but it does have some brutal murders.  Most of them involve Magneto, whose ability to rip fillings from other people’s teeth and thrust knives into their chests from across the room makes him a little unsettling.  Another mutant can grab hold of average people and teleport them a mile into the sky.  Then he drops them.  This is a far cry from the horrors of Superman II, where the biggest danger was having your bus tip over.

     

    Magneto
    Do not tell him how dorky this looks

    There’s a dark side even to the good guys, and many of the mutants are not above using their sexuality as a manipulation tactic.  Angel makes a living as an exotic dancer.  Emma Frost telepathically simulates a make-out session.  Even the non-mutant CIA officer strips down to her underwear to sneak into a nightclub.  Give Mystique some credit.  Whereas everyone just assumed in the first movie that Rebecca Romijn would give her performance sans clothes, Jennifer Lawrence (as the younger version) at least feels uncomfortable walking around in full blue nakedness.  Let’s face it, when even Professor X is dropping the same pick-up line on every hottie at the bar, you’ve definitely crossed into new X-Men territory.

    If the movie falters anywhere, it’s in bringing back that ridiculous blue gorilla suit.  Nicholas Hoult’s character undergoes a transformation from a guy with big feet to The Beast, later (earlier) played by Kelsey Grammer.  While some comic book costumes look good on screen, this one is never gonna work.  He looks like a werewolf smurf, and might better off chasing Gargamel’s cat through a magical candy forest.  A better solution would have been to show the beginnings of Beast’s transformation, then to have him flee the movie out of shame, which would have been entirely within character.

    All told, X-Men: First Class has catapulted itself to the upper echelon of comic book movies, into the heady space occupied by Dark Knight and Iron Man.  It does make one wonder if they will quit while they’re ahead.  I’d hate to see this turn into X-Men: Saved by the Bell.

    Beast
    Didn't I see you doing a handstand on top of Stiles's wolfmobile?
  • The Most Popular Movie Sport

    The Academy loves boxing movies. I recently saw THE FIGHTER, which was one of last year’s Best Picture nominees. The rest of the world has moved on to fast-paced contests like the NFL, competitive skateboard suicide, and LeBron-hating, but the Oscars are stuck on the most popular sport of 1929. You know, for all the World War I vets who always pack the theaters on weekends.

    Do the other sports not matter? Boxing has more Best Picture nominations than football, basketball, baseball, hockey, soccer, tennis, and golf combined. Even Ricky Bobby can’t get an Oscar nod. I think the nearest competitor might be horse racing (another sport that peaked about 90 years ago). Is the Academy even aware that other sports have sprung up since the invention of the automobile?

    Chariots of Fire
    I stand corrected. Nothing says "movie magic" like running.

    There is no logical explanation for any of this, other than that I guess the boxing movies are good. I have a sneaking suspicion that it might have something to do with the movie stars appearing shirtless for most of the movie. Think about it. Mark Wahlberg spent two entire movies playing nice guys from the streets who grit their way to ultimate triumph on the big stage. The first time, he did it covered in ugly green football gear. The second time, he went back to his underwear model roots. Which movie got the nomination?

     

    Invincible
    Step 1: Hire famous movie star. Step 2: Obscure movie star's face with bucket and metal grill.

    Maybe it’s the supporting cast. Boxing movies like to show how real they are by featuring washed-up, home-wrecked, white-trash low-lifes that surround the hero and make him look good by contrast. THE FIGHTER got Christian Bale an Oscar for his performance as a crack-head former boxer, and Melissa Leo took home the Best Supporting Actress Oscar for playing the craziest movie mother since Psycho.  Amy Adams as Marky Mark’s girlfriend, in the same over-sexed, ill-tempered, foul-mouthed performance that won her acclaim in Enchanted.

    Amy Adams
    Low-life degenerate.

    I am pretty sure there is just one boxing script in Hollywood, and screenwriters just pass it around playing Madlibs with it:

    ______ is a down-on-his-luck fighter from the mean streets of _______. Despite the pressures of his crazy _______, who suffers from _______, the boxer manages to score a title fight against ______, whose record is ___ – 0. Inspired by the love of his girlfriend _______, the boxer is hammered for ___ rounds before a miraculous comeback gives him the win.

    Anyway, after all this serious boxing drama, I think I am desperately in need of a good, original movie. Something where I can’t see the plot coming from a mile away. Maybe a comic book movie…

     

  • King Solomon’s Mines

    Extraordinary Adventure
    61

    There is so much adventure in this little bestseller that it’s hard to know where to start.  It’s rumored that this is the story that kicked off an entire genre of adventure quest novels, though it was itself written as a bet, to prove that its author, one Sir H. Rider Haggard, could write a story “half as good as Treasure Island.”  With a pure adventure pedigree name like “Sir H. Rider Haggard,” this hardly seems like a fair bet.

    King Solomon's Mines Movie Poster
    Sharon Stone starred in the movie, but did not star in Romancing the Stone, which is similar. Michael Douglas, however, did star in Romancing the Stone, and later starred with Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct. From which the world has never recovered.

    Let’s start with the hero, who himself has perhaps the best adventurer name in history, outside anyone not named after George Lucas’s dog.  Allan Quatermain has the respectable occupation of adventurer-slash-hunter, and apparently he’s darn good at it.  There are not too many people with this occupation today, probably because all the really good places have already been explored, and shooting wild African animals has taken on a bad connotation, akin to smoking cigarettes.

    Quatermain agrees to lead an expedition into the heart of Africa to find King Solomon’s Mines (King Solomon, of course, is the Biblical king famous for his love of seagulls)

    Finding Nemo Seagullls
    Mine! Mine! Mine!

    Here is what happens.  A wounded elephant kills one of their porters.  This actually is not all that relevant of a detail, except that it makes the story completely awesome.  There are far too few killer elephants in stories today.  In fact, elephants are usually the good guys and/or possess magical flying powers.  It is very rare for one of them to so much as scoff at a random extra, much less bust out of their high-voltage secure paddocks and eat lawyers off the jeep tour.

    Okay, so after the elephant murder (which presumably ends with Quatermain and the elephant having a duel on a log bridge across a raging waterfall), they stumble upon the 300-year-old frozen corpse of a Portugese explorer in an ice cave.  It was this same explorer who first wrote Quatermain’s mysterious map to the Mines.  Need I tell you that he wrote the map in his own blood?  And that he had to start over several times to get the scale right?

    Finally the band is captured by a ruthless tribe of natives, which has the obligatory violent king and the even more obligatory ancient evil shaman named Gagool.  There is some funny business where it turns out one of Quatermain’s porters is actually the rightful king in disguise, and of course everyone is sentenced to horrible deaths.  But they manage to pull a clever trick, by foretelling an eclipse.  The natives, of course, know nothing of astronomy and assume it’s magic.  Gagool is captured and forced to lead everyone to the mines.

    Twilight Saga: Eclipse
    Yet even with their vast astrological knowledge, they could not predict whether Bella would choose Jacob or Edward

    These mines are exactly as you imagine.  Full of diamonds and jewels and priceless modern art and piles of stock certificates and matching 401K contributions.  Gagool gives Quatermain the slip and as she escapes, she triggers a booby trap that locks everyone else in the mine for all eternity.  Until they realize that all fabulous mines have secret exits, on the off chance that some ancient evil shaman activates the booby trap.

    In a final bit of fortuitousness, they are all wearing cargo shorts, and so are able to smuggle out enough diamonds to make them fabulously wealthy for the rest of their lives.  At least until the sequel.

    Next up, #60!