The Lindsay Brothers

Category: 100 Extraordinary Adventures

Clash of the Titans

Extraordinary Adventure
76

In many ways, the quest for a sacred artifact is the most pure kind of adventure. It is usually housed in scary, dangerous places, surrounded by otherworldly beings and elaborate traps. Two sides fight to obtain it. One side will use it for good, the other side for evil.

And often times it doesn’t matter who wins, because the gods are gonna do what the gods are gonna do.

And sometimes it involves Swamp Thing

Clash of the Titans is a great melting pot of Greek mythology. There’s nary a story that doesn’t turn up in some shape or form. Flying horses, battling Olympians, sea monsters, people turning to stone, mechanical owls.

I believe it was Aristotle who first proposed mechanized robotic androids

Wha…? Yes, there is a mechanical owl named Bubo. He’s sort of like R2-D2, forever bailing the mighty Perseus out of trouble. Athena gave him to Perseus because Perseus lost his magical shield while fighting the gorgon Medusa, whose head is the aforementioned sacred artifact. Perseus needs the head because the kraken sea monster is coming to steal away Andromeda, because Perseus answered Andromeda’s riddle and won her hand away from the evil Calibos, who once tried to kill Pegasus, angering Zeus, who happens to be Perseus’s father.

If none of that makes much sense, don’t worry. You’re there for the giant scorpions.

Harryhausen's most famous creation: the limited edition overpriced maquette

Master animator Ray Harryhausen did his last, best work on Clash of the Titans. Harryhausen worked at a time when the only way to make a realistic sea monster was to sculpt it in minature, stuff a metal armiture inside it, and painstakingly pose it one frame at a time.

Animators revere Harryhausen, and with good reason. He took stop motion animation to new heights. We are spoiled with CGI today. We sometimes forget that it wasn’t until Jurassic Park that CGI finally cracked the mainstream for good.

The AT-AT Walkers in Empire Strikes Back? Stop motion.

Those demonic dogs in Ghostbusters? Stop motion.

"Okay, who brought the dog?"

The Terminator? Stop motion, with Cameron painstakingly posing Arnold one frame at a time.

Arnold was good at posing

Back to the melting pot thing… Clash of the Titans is a million myths rolled into one, all because Harryhausen wanted to try his hand at a believable flying horse, but didn’t want to be tied down to cavorting fauns. I’m not sure any of these scenes are direct descendants of actual Greek myths, but they sure feel like it. And I bet Theseus would have welcomed a mechanical owl when he was fumbling around in the minotaur’s labrynth.

Clash of the Titans is also known for its stunt casting. Sir Laurence Olivier plays Zeus. Bond girl Ursula Andress shows up as Aphrodite. Kenny Baker played Bubo. And none other than Harry Potter house leader Dame Maggie Smith shows up as sea goddess Thetis.

A hotter version of Professor McGonagall

When it finally came time to remake the movie in 2010, some of these same elements survived. Liam Neeson and Ralph Fiennes provided the stunt casting. CGI provided the effects. And Bubo became a snarky in-joke. The film could have used Harryhausen to breathe some life into Sam Worthington’s acting.

If only you spoke Hovitos.

Up next, #75…

January 20, 2011
Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon

Extraordinary Adventure
77

Near the end of The Maltese Falcon there is a famous line spoken by Humphrey Bogart. Throughout the movie everyone had been on the hunt for something called The Maltese Falcon (not to be confused with the somewhat more exciting Millenium Falcon), no the Maltese falcon was (disappointingly) just a sculpture of a bronze falcon from the island of Malta. This of course was not enough for some of the characters and possibly the screenwriters and the studio execs either, so they had somebody ask Bogart’s character this question: What exactly IS the Maltese Falcon? Well after chasing it for the entire movie, Bogart had no choice but to reply, in his best Peter Brady impression, “The stuff that dreams are made of.”

Although, if we are being picky, he actually should have said, "The stuff of which dreams are made."

This quote, being one of the most famous lines in movie history, has evolved over the years to refer to the movies themselves. Q. What are movies? A. The stuff dreams are made of. Well, those days have come and gone and very few movies actually try and reach a dreamlike state. Some of them have and are on this very list. But one of the most dreamlike of all the movies on our list is a little flick called Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. I do not mean to imply that it is bizarre and inscrutable as so many dreams are, but merely the fluidity and calm relaxation of the story lends itself to certain dreamlike images, not the least of which is the fact that the characters in Crouching Tiger can fly.

Besides flying I sometimes also dream that I am back in high school and have been asked to speak in public at the last second.

The characters in Crouching Tiger are aware that the other martial artists can fly and there is a wonderful bit of choreography whereby Shu Lien played by Michelle Yeoh has to keep stepping on Ziyi Zhang’s feet to literally keep her on the ground. Speaking of fight choreography, it was planned out by one of the best; Yuen Wo Ping, who also did the fight sequence for The Matrix. As well as Fist of Legend and some other classic Chinese movies, I suppose. However at the risk of insulting the fanboys, may I submit that his work here in Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon is his best? You do have to display a little fanboy patience however before the first fight even begins, but once it does, it goes on for a nice long while. Characters start hopping over roofs and climbing walls to a fabulous score by Oscar winner Tan Dun.

Just in case you didn't know what a "fanboy" was.

Another scene takes place among blowing bamboo trees (technically bamboo is a grass not a tree, but it matters not as Chow Yun Fat can balance perfectly on both). Another fight scene showcases pretty much every martial arts weapon there is, each weapon being eventually broken or destroyed by a magical ancient sword called The Green Destiny which everyone in the movie is after (an idea stolen from an earlier movie called The Maltese Falcon, perhaps you’ve heard of it).

The stuff that dreams are made of … also.

Hidden Dragon was directed by a guy named Ang Lee who also directed Sense and Sensibility which, while better, is sadly lacking in kung fu … and therefore loses points on the adventurometer. He also made Hulk about a big green monster guy in purple pants who is repressed, but the less said about that the better. At first you may seem impressed that Ang Lee does such wildly different films until you realize that they are ALL about repression. Nobody wants to say who they truly are or how they truly feel about the other characters and there are a few surprises a long the way. Do not be put off by this, however because despite the oscar-baiting theme of repression the film both figuratively and literally soars to new heights and depending on your acceptance of fairy stories from the desert, it has either or hopeful or a tragic ending.

"Now we see the violence inherent in the system. Help! Help! I'm being repressed!

Plus it was made for only 17 million dollars in 2000 which is a staggeringly low budget for any movie let alone an action movie.

Next up … 76!

January 17, 2011
Kidnapped

Extraordinary Adventure
78

A few hundred years ago, Robert Louis Stevenson wrote a classic adventure caper called Kidnapped. This is admirable for two reasons:

1) He resisted the urge to add an exclamation point to the end of his title.

2) He boldly proceeded to give away the entire plot with the book’s subtitle.

Seriously, the subtitle runs on for 70 words, mentioning how the hero David Balfour is kidnapped, shipwrecked, trapped in the wild highlands, and suffered at the hands of his uncle Ebenezer. You could watch four or five Michael Bay movies in a row and not find that much adventure.

Actually, watching more than three Michael Bay movies in a row will likely kill you.

If this book makes you deathly afraid of your uncle, then it is probably with good reason. Uncles get a bad rap in literature. They are forever stealing your inheritance, murdering your parents, claiming your kingdom, or making unwanted romantic advances. And I will warn you: If you have an uncle named “Ebenezer” in your family, you might as well just accept that most of your life is going to be a living nightmare.

Fortunately my uncles have names like Dennis and Tim and Devon, and there’s a strong chance that they’d find it utterly inconvenient to dump me in the Scottish highlands. But I’m watching my back just in case.

David Balfour begins to suspect that his uncle is up to no good when he is sent to fetch a chest from the top of a tower in the middle of the night, without a light and sometimes with gaps in the staircase. This, I think, is a good indicator that someone wants to get rid of you.

David doesn’t take the hint, so his uncle is forced to sell him into slavery, the titular “kidnapping” of the story. As with all slavery stories, this one has a happy ending: a shipwreck.

David survives in the wild along with another unfortunate companion, and eventually they come across Robin Oig, the son of famous Scottish renegade Rob Roy. Oig has great distaste for David’s companion, and it is clear that this can be settled in only one way.

A duel of bagpipes.

If we can have dueling banjos, why not?

I am not sure why we as a civilization have gotten away from settling our disputes with bagpipes, but I can see many advantages to it. Besides the obvious reduction in bloodshed, there’s a bundle of money to be saved (although I’m sure the defense contractors can find many ways to plaid the budget).

We could probably cut down on all those strip searches at the airport as well. If a terrorist wants to smuggle a bagpipe on the plane, what’s the worst that can happen? We have to listen to a few dozen variations of Amazing Grace? I guess if the guy really can’t play, that could be somewhat torturous, but it’s better than being x-rayed all the time or having my toothpaste confiscated.

The real question is, do any of these guys look young to enough to still be living with their uncle?

Eventually David makes his way back to his uncle and tricks Ebenezer into a confession that yes, he had arranged to have David kidnapped. This means that David now gets his rightful inheritance, which he promptly blows on video games and Red Bull.

Up next, #77…

January 13, 2011